The Stories We Tell Ourselves

What if your biggest barrier isn’t what’s happening—but the story you’re telling about it? In this episode, we explore the personal narratives that shape how we see ourselves, others, and the world. You’ll learn how to identify the internal scripts that limit growth and how to begin rewriting them with clarity and compassion, using research-backed tools to transform your inner dialogue.

Key Takeaways

• The stories we tell ourselves shape our reality.
• Most conflict arises from the meanings we attach to moments.
• Our internal narratives can limit our growth and potential.
• Recognizing outdated emotional patterns is crucial for change.
• Revising our stories can lead to healthier relationships.
• Our narratives influence how we respond to feedback.
• Self-compassion is essential for personal growth.
• Rewriting our stories takes time and practice.
• Curiosity can help us challenge our assumptions.
• We have the power to choose which narratives to keep. 

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Inner Narratives
• 1:47 Understanding Our Stories
• 3:45 The Impact of Stories on Relationships
• 6:40 Revising Our Inner Narratives
• 9:21 The Power of Rewriting Your Story

Transcript

Dr. Nashay Lowe (00:20)
Welcome back to the resolution room where we turn tension into transformation through clarity, connection, and consistency. I'm your host, Dr. Nashay Lowe underneath the moments that challenge us and how they can lead to something more honest, more human, and more whole.

So let's get into it. In today's solo episode, we're getting into something deeply personal, quietly powerful, and wildly transformative, the stories that we tell ourselves. Whether you're navigating a relationship, managing a team, setting boundaries, or just trying to make sense of who you are, your inner narrative shapes everything. And here's the truth. Most conflict, inner or outer, doesn't start with the moment something happens.

It starts with the meaning we attach to that moment. And often that meaning is a story we've carried for years, often without even realizing it. So today we're going to talk about how to recognize those stories, how they show up in different parts of our lives, and how we can begin rewriting them with more clarity, more compassion, and more truth. So let's start off and talk about what we mean by when we say quote unquote stories.

So when I say that in this context, I don't mean fiction or something just made up. I mean the interpretation, the internal script, and the meaning we give to our experiences. Let's break that down with a few real life examples. So let's just say someone doesn't text you back. Your brain might whisper, I'm being ignored again. People always lose interest. Or if you get passed over for a job that you felt you were perfect for, your story becomes

Maybe I'm not leadership material after all. Your partner pulls away during an argument and suddenly you're spiraling into here it is again, abandonment, just like before. We tell ourselves these stories so quickly, so instinctively that we often don't even realize that we're doing it. But those stories become the lens through which we see the world and respond to it. They influence how we interpret tone, silence, even body language.

Two people can experience the exact same moment and walk away with completely different realities, not because the moment changed, but because their story did. Cognitive psychologist, Dr. Jeffrey Young, the creator of schema therapy, explains that we form emotional patterns, also known as schemas, in early life. And these become templates we use to interpret adult relationships and decisions. These templates often carry outdated messages like, I'm not good enough, people will always leave me, I don't matter unless I'm useful, etc. So what happens when we don't update the narrative? We keep reacting to old wounds in present day situations. We project past pain onto current moments and therefore limit our own capacity to grow. Sometimes we even sabotage opportunities that could be healthy simply because they don't fit with the story we're used to telling ourselves.

The good news, just like any story, these narratives can be revised. They can be softened, challenged, and rewritten. And most importantly, they can be chosen. So let's look at where these stories show up, because they're not just in our head. They show up in our relationships, our careers, and our relationship with ourselves. So in relationships, maybe you grew up in a household where conflict meant chaos: yelling, silence, withdrawal, et cetera. So now, even when someone raises their voice gently, your body tenses, or you go into shutdown mode. Your story, if I speak up, I'll be punished or abandoned. Or maybe you grew up in a home where emotions were only expressed through anger. So now when someone's calm or quiet, you interpret it as coldness or rejection. Your story became

If they really cared, they fight for me. Or maybe your story is, I always end up alone. So now whenever there's conflict, you expect the worst. You emotionally pack your bags before the conversation has even ended. These narratives shape how we argue, how we connect, and how we pull away. And often they have nothing to do with the current moment and everything to do with what came before it.

In another scenario, perhaps at work, say you didn't feel quote unquote smart enough as a child. Maybe you weren't praised academically or maybe you were constantly compared to a sibling or another student. Now, every time you receive constructive feedback, it lands like confirmation that you're failing. Even a simple, let's revise this, feels like you're not good enough. So you over prepare, you over deliver,

You stay late, say yes to everything, and sacrifice your well-being because your story is, if I don't work twice as hard, I'll be seen as disposable. It affects how you lead, how you collaborate, and most of all, how much space you believe you're allowed to take up.

That story can lead to burnout, perfectionism, and a constant fear of being found out. Your internal stories are often the hardest to detect because they sound like facts. Maybe you believe rest is laziness, if I'm not productive, I don't deserve joy, or I always mess things up, so why even try? These aren't truths, they're survival scripts. Scripts you developed in environments where you had to perform,
protect or please in order to feel safe or worthy. And they might have served you once, but are they still serving you today? As Dr. Kristin Neff's research on self-compassion shows, we cannot grow through shame. We grow through honest self-awareness and compassionate reframe. So maybe now's the time to ask if you're still living in a story that helped you survive, but now is holding you back from thriving.

Let's talk about rewriting the story. Your stories aren't fixed, they can evolve. You don't have to pretend that something didn't hurt. You don't have to immediately believe the opposite, but you can pause and question the story you've been telling. Ask yourself, is the story true? Is it still serving me? What else could be true here? Here's what that might look like.

Instead of, they don't care about me, try, they may be overwhelmed in their lives too and I haven't voiced what I need from them. Instead of, I'm failing, try, I'm learning and growth feels like the discomfort for some times. Instead of, I always ruin things, try, I've made mistakes and I'm learning to respond differently. Dr. Brene Brown calls this "the story I'm making up." It's a powerful tool to create distance between what happens and what you're assuming about it. Saying, the story I'm making up is dot dot dot gives you a chance to reflect instead of react. It invites curiosity, not judgment.

Rewriting doesn't mean erasing your past. It means integrating it so you can move forward with more choice, more freedom, and more truth. And if you're someone who's navigating trauma, these shifts may take time. Rewriting the story doesn't always happen in one conversation or one journal entry. It happens in small, steady moments of practicing a different voice. One that's kinder, more honest and more grounded in possibility. 

So I'll leave you with this. What story have you been telling yourself lately about your worth, your relationships, your future, your voice? And what if that story isn't the whole truth? What if there's another version? One that includes what you've been through, but also leaves room for what's still possible. This isn't about blaming yourself for what you believed.

It's about recognizing that you get to choose what continues and what doesn't. You get to interrupt the narrative. You get to reframe the moment and you get to begin again. Today's invitation isn't to fix anything, it's to be curious, to trace the roots, to hold your story gently and maybe, just maybe, begin writing a new chapter.

Thank you for spending time with me today in the resolution room. I'm grateful you're here, doing this quiet, brave, transformative work. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it. Leave a review or send it to someone who's navigating a hard season Or just sit with it yourself. 

And until next time, keep building in the quiet because that's what will carry you forward.