Raising Peacemakers: Teaching Kids the Tools for Lifelong Conflict Resolution

In this conversation, Dr. Nashay Lowe and early childhood trainer Cara Tyrrell discuss the importance of teaching children conflict resolution skills from a young age. They explore how children process emotions, the significance of modeling healthy behaviors, and the balance between guiding children and allowing them to navigate conflicts independently. The discussion emphasizes the need for parents to expand their emotional vocabulary, create a safe space for children to express their feelings, and the shift in parenting dynamics towards more conscious and collaborative approaches. Ultimately, the conversation highlights that conflict is a natural part of life that can lead to growth and understanding when approached with intention and care.

Key Takeaways

• Equipping kids with conflict skills early on is crucial.
• Children process emotions differently than adults.
• Creating a permission space for emotions is essential.
• Responding to emotions with facts helps avoid projection.
• Using 'we' statements fosters collaboration in conflict resolution.
• Teaching compromise requires explaining the concept to children.
• Expanding emotional vocabulary helps children articulate feelings.
• Modeling healthy behaviors is more effective than just telling children what to do.
• Teachable moments can arise from witnessing less healthy behaviors.
• The shift in parenting dynamics emphasizes collaboration and conscious awareness.

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Conflict in Early Childhood
• 9:58 The Role of Emotions in Conflict Resolution
• 18:49 Modeling Healthy Conflict Management
• 28:39 The Evolution of Parenting Styles
• 35:05 Empowering Future Generations Through Conflict Skills

Transcript

intro/outro music: 0:01

*intro

Dr. Shay: 0:21

Welcome back to The Resolution Room, where we turn tension into transformation through clarity, connection, and consistency. I'm your host, Dr. Nashay Lowe, and this is a space where we explore what's really underneath the moments that challenge us and how they can lead to something more honest, more human, and more whole. So let's get into it. The way children are guided through conflict shapes how they handle power, emotion, and connection throughout their lives. By equipping kids with conflict skills early on, we don't just avoid tantrums. We raise emotionally intelligent, self-aware, and resilient adults. I'm joined today by early childhood trainer, Cara Tyrrell. Cara, can you please introduce yourself to the people?

Cara Tyrrell: 1:01

I'd love to. Thank you so much for having me, Dr. Nishai. I am thrilled to be here. I am a mom of adult girls who are now women. So I've been through every phase and stage of that transformation with them. I am an early childhood educator, as you mentioned, and also the founder of Core4 Parenting, which helps me be a collaborative parenting coach to toddler and preschool parents.

Dr. Shay: 1:30

Beautiful. So to start off, let's talk about conflict and what stages it begins for children. So what are the earliest signs that a child is beginning to learn how to navigate conflict?

Cara Tyrrell: 1:43

Well, when kids are very young, so between zero and one, that first year of life, they really are just still in that survival space. They're learning how to get their basic needs met. Once there's an elevation, like we call it a learning leap, and that cognition kind of leaps up into those early toddler years and then they start to realize that they have opinions and wants and desires. And they start to visualize outcomes in their head. And when the outcome in real life doesn't match the outcome in their head is when we start to see those early signs of conflict, usually indicated by crying or tantruming.

Dr. Shay: 2:29

Interesting. And so, you know, you brought up children interpreting conflict. Some complex emotions that I think even as adults are hard for us to sort through sometimes. So how do young children interpret things like power, fairness, or frustration?

Cara Tyrrell: 2:42

Well, the first thing that is so important to understand is that they don't. So we as adults do all of that cognitive interpretation. And we are looking at those boundary lines and the fairness. And that's all up here in our brain. We are cognitive problem solvers every minute of the day as adults. Kids in that one to three-year-old range, if we're talking like real toddlerhood, are all feeling. They're all emotion. That's all they do is absorb emotion or feeling. and try to process it or have a feeling and try to identify it or express a feeling. And the expression of feeling, the energy in motion, emotions that come out very often are the things that we look at and say, that's a meltdown, that's a tantrum, but they really are just processing their feelings around a potential conflict.

Dr. Shay: 3:54

Wow. Okay. So thinking about that, a child is, again, learning in the moment, processing, right? And how do we as parents then keep ourselves, I guess, from projecting our conditions onto them?

Cara Tyrrell: 4:10

That's exactly it. And it's so, so hard to do because our conditioning is sets us up for that knee-jerk reaction, and our cognitive state of being at this advanced age of whatever it might be, mid-20s all the way up through mid-40s, when we are child-rearing, those little teeny ones, tells us, oh, you can solve this for them, but we just shouldn't. So instead of, when there's a conflict and there's a meltdown in the moment, instead of reacting to the emotion, we need to respond by naming facts. Facts first, feelings second. Right? So what I mean by this is, if a child has just been told that they cannot have their special treat that came home from preschool with them until after dinner, and they're having a massive emotional outburst around this news, instead of talking to the outburst, Stop crying. Why do you always get so upset? My answer's never different. All those things. We need to talk to just the facts we see in front of us. Be their mirror. You are so upset that you are kicking your feet on the floor. You are so angry about my decision that you are screaming really loudly. These reflective statements speak to what's happening and so when we use those type of statements with there's no danger of projecting identity issues onto our small children the identity issues come when we do exactly what you said we tend to do because that's how we've been conditioned

Dr. Shay: 6:21

right right Oh, so many thoughts there. My sort of first one, just playing devil's advocate, was naming the facts or what's happening. I guess in that moment, you kind of explained the goal, but I feel like there would be a lot of parents, especially with young children who are just like, that doesn't work or that doesn't help me get, I guess, the situation under control. So I guess what would you say to those parents?

Cara Tyrrell: 6:50

Well, there's stages towards a resolution, right? And in the stage that I just described, I'm not thinking about the resolution yet. I'm not trying to solve it, right? That's what we're trying to avoid as our first entry with this conversation or with this human interaction. What you need to create, and this is the hard part because we weren't given this traditionally, You need to create a permission space. Permission to cry. Permission to feel. Space to do it. And here's the craziest part. Time. Kids process at a different speed than we do. A very different speed. Especially when they're trying to figure it all out. So they need enough time to move all of this through their body, just as long as they're safe, right? If they're doing this in a way that other people aren't safe or we think they aren't, that's a different strategy. That's a different interaction point. But as long as they are just letting it out, they need permission to do that because when they feel safe in their space and they feel safe enough to be heard, even if it's not what we love to hear, they will then also feel on the other side of the meltdown ready to have a real conversation with you.

Dr. Shay: 8:25

And so going back a little bit about the sort of habitual practice of projecting onto the children, how does that sort of affect a child's long-term ability to manage conflict independently?

Cara Tyrrell: 8:42

Yeah. So the example I used when we say stop crying, what we're really saying is stop communicating. And when we send that message unintentionally, what we do is we build that wall for them brick by brick by brick so that when they have an opinion, inside a conflict moment, when they disagree with another person, or they have a different idea than the other person, they don't feel self-confident enough to say it out loud. We are the ones that give them that. They're born using their voice. They are just born communicating. And first, it's very instinctive. And we know the different types of cries. What's a wet cry? What's a dirty cry? What's a hungry cry? That type of expressive language organically happens as kids grow up. But we often squash that voice early on. And in doing that, we're setting them up to be either the followers or just kind of go inward or even worse, people pleasers.

Dr. Shay: 10:07

And I guess building on that sort of, you know, again, we're talking about the early years, but so what's that sort of balance between guiding and letting kids work things out on their own?

Cara Tyrrell: 10:22

Well, This is where the power of pronouns comes in big time. And I am a linguist, right? That is in my background. And I bring all of this intentional language to what I teach when we're interacting with small kids. When we're using I statements, they're hearing something different. When we're using you statements, they hear I statements. So when you say... You're so messy. They hear, I'm so messy, right? So these are really important frameworks to understand that in order to give kids a sense of that early boundary setting, because it is key. I'm not saying that they get free range, right? But you have to believe that you're a team, right? And teams are built on mutual respect and honesty and the ability to believe that the other person is telling you the truth and are willing to hear what you have to say. So if we can bring that down to tiny hood level, it means that we're going to be using we statements. You're not the problem. I'm not the problem. We have problems. a problem. And we can figure out how to solve it together.

Dr. Shay: 11:56

Wow. And again, the flow of this is moving so beautifully because my next sort of curiosity point, if you will, is what are some age-appropriate ways to introduce concepts like boundaries, like you're talking about, and active listening and compromise?

Cara Tyrrell: 12:16

Okay. So the first thing is you need to teach what that is. Kids don't know what compromise is, right? This is where we get stuck in our head as adults a lot, is we understand all these concepts and we are using strategies. People go on social media, they go on TikTok, they go on Instagram, they're like, oh, quick tip, quick this strategy. But the kids don't understand the concept. So if you want to be learning how to compromise with your child and you want them to learn what that is, tell them. A compromise means a little bit of what you want and a little bit of what I want. And we both will have to work together because we're each going to have to make a little bit of a sacrifice. Teach what it is. And then around that, if there are non-negotiables, because there are definitely parts of your day as a parent or as a teacher with toddlers, where it just is what it is. And if we're saying that we want them to have a voice, and we do, so that they feel included, then we need to make sure that the opportunities we give them to use their voice are spaces that we're willing to hear what they have to say. So please, if you get nothing else out of this interview, take this with you. Stop asking yes, no questions. If you are not in a position or space to be able to hear them tell you no. If you ask it, you're giving them that space and that opportunity and you have to honor and respect that you respect their answers and their voice. If the answer is, this has got to be happening, we're going to turn those questions into statements. Instead of, are you ready for nap time? It is, it is nap time. Or would you like to get your diaper changed? It is time for a diaper change. So you automatically hijack the possibility of that massive power struggle by just defining the boundary right out of the gate.

Dr. Shay: 14:34

Thank you. And then, so... I think we talked about this a little bit in the beginning of like children, again, learning and discovering their emotions, right? So of course there's different parenting styles. And so let's, I guess, enter this part of the conversation, incorporating the plethora of knowledge and types of parents that there are. So how do we as parents normalize emotions without encouraging blame or reactivity?

Cara Tyrrell: 15:08

Oh, I love this. Well, first of all, it's really important to me that people expand their emotional vocabulary. One of the things we tend to do is dumb down the range of emotion for kids. They're either happy, sad, or mad. And that is usually how we reflect back to them. Oh, you're so happy. Oh, you feel sad. Oh, I can tell you're mad. Well, There are so many more emotions and there's depths of emotion. So it's essential that we start to expand that emotional vocabulary. And the easiest way to do this is actually to get a little bit vulnerable, as we should, and reflect how we are feeling about things in our lives. Because as adults, we definitely know all those different levels of It doesn't have to be around your kids. You can be sitting at the dinner table and you can share a daytime story from when you were out at work that day about how frustrated you felt because your coworker told you they were going to do something but didn't end up doing it. And then you had some overwhelm because all of a sudden you had more work than you thought you had. And then you had anxiety because you didn't think you could get it done on time. The modeling through your experience allows you to then circle back when they're having that And say, remember when I had anxiety? I told you I just felt like all weird in my body and I didn't know if I could get this thing done. It looks like you might be feeling that right now, too, because you made such a big mess with all your toys. You're worried you can't pick them all up.

Dr. Shay: 16:59

I'd like to focus on that modeling part you just talked about, which is, I think, so important. I think there's a lot of parents with good intentions who try to, there's an old saying, do as I say, not as I do. Can you talk to the importance of modeling the behaviors and how it actually affects a child long term versus just being told something?

Cara Tyrrell: 17:21

Absolutely. So first of all, I grew up with that phrase. And It took me a while, but I have an article that I wrote early on in Core 4 Parenting's existence where the last line is, instead of do as I do, not as I say, how about we say, do as I do and I'll learn to do better.

Dr. Shay: 17:42

How about?

Cara Tyrrell: 17:45

Because we're always learning and growing and we should be. This idea that parents got it all figured out. That's ridiculous. I don't know who sold you that bill of goods, but it's rotten, right? So that's the first most important thing to feel right now is we're in this journey together, right? I'm designing your childhood, yes, based on my choices and my methods and my words, but you get to be part of designing your childhood too. We're in this together, right? So this really boils down into the healthy relationship category because everything we do, whether we are modeling by having a conversation with our partner, they're watching and they're listening, or modeling by doing what we just did in that example with our life and how it connects to their life, it's all about healthy relationships. And there's three different types of relationships. There is inner relationships. Because we are designing a relationship with ourself. And we have so, I work with so many parents now that say, I really wish I didn't have to go back and reparent myself to be the parent I want to be now. I would really like to create a scenario where my child is good as they go up, you know, so they don't have to do that. So there's the inner, there's the interpersonal relationships between people. And then there are kind of the more acquaintance style relationships that you have in the world at the grocery store with your favorite checkout person at the post. I live in a small town. Can you tell? We all know each other. The local grocery store. But when it comes to modeling, you are planting long-term seeds of what it looks like when people interact with each other in a healthy way, what it sounds like when people interact with each other in a healthy way. And you are showing that beyond the conflict, beyond that challenging conversation that they were either part of or overheard, that relationship continues to exist and it returns to that nice, healthy status quo most of the time. And then there's these blips because the truth is conflict is part of life. And so if parents, as we so often do, see it coming and prevent it or see it coming and block it, we're actually doing our kids a massive disservice because they will not have the reflective tools they need You know, those experiences that they have garnered over the years to think back on when they're in the middle of one or the linguistic tools.

Dr. Shay: 20:55

And so I'm thinking, you know, I imagine as important as modeling healthy behaviors is for a child to see on a day-to-day basis, It's not going to be perfect, of course. And so in those moments, I guess, where the child is witnessing the less healthy habits and patterns, how can parents use that as a teachable moment instead? Maybe transform it into a different way of looking at what just happened.

Cara Tyrrell: 21:27

Yeah, absolutely. And this, again, this takes incredible honesty and self-reflection and like this actualization process inside ourselves to be able to then later on sit down with your two and a half year old and talk to them like an adult. Hey, I blew it. That is not what my voice usually sounds like. And I didn't want it to. And it happened. And I'm sorry. I wish I had said, and then give them like, it's almost like you're going back in time to replay the moment, except this time you're going to do it the way that if you had had your wits about you that you would have. And so they have that comparison model of, oh yeah, sometimes things don't go right. And that's life and that's okay. As long as we do this thing called take ownership of everything. And that is a skill that you can teach a two-year-old. You can teach a three-year-old by modeling it, but then also coming down into their world and saying, when things don't go the way I thought they could or should, I make sure to revisit it in my mind. And then I play it again. And they're good at that, right? They're learning that creative play. They're learning all that imagination and using their brain in that way. And another one that I always ask parents to do at the end of the day, whether it's been a great day or it was an off the rails kind of day, is high, low, hope. So a lot more parents are really intentionalizing that bedtime routine beyond just a book and a bath and all this stuff. And they're asking kids to have an interactive conversation processing parts of their day. And so when you've got teeny tiny ones, you don't want to get into all those layers, right? What's something you want to talk about today? That's more of like a five-year-old and up conversation. But when you've got littles, you can say, let's do High Low Hope. My high of the day is when you ate all the peas off your plate. My low of the day is when I yelled and didn't mean to or didn't want to. And my hope for tomorrow is that when we go to the park that you will make a new friend and play with them for a little while, right? We're recapping and we're moving forward. And then you'll be surprised how quickly these small people start to have their own high lows and hopes?

Dr. Shay: 24:16

You know, this honestly just almost sounds like a parenting evolution, really, in the way that we're communicating. Because I think more traditionally, there's almost just like a, not hierarchy, but it's very just like the way we operated is I'm the parent, you're the child. I don't basically have to explain anything to you. You do as I say. That's kind of been the dynamic, I think, historically, right?

intro/outro music: 24:42

Yeah.

Dr. Shay: 24:42

When has this shift happened? And I think it gets a lot of criticism because it's almost like seen as quote unquote soft parenting or that just doesn't work. You know, you shouldn't have to talk or explain anything to your children. So can you talk a little bit about maybe when that shift happened and the importance of moving in that direction? Yeah,

Cara Tyrrell: 25:02

absolutely. So this has been... a decade or two in the making conscious parenting and being but you know I talk a lot about conscious being something that happens individual within yourself right when you are consciously attending to something it's all about your mindset your perspective your outlook your choices when we collaborate that's the team right then there's two mindsets two perspectives two opinions two voices so This conscious awareness that the way we needed to interact with our children, first of all, to raise healthy humans, and then also teach them the skills that they needed to be successful when they were not with us in a preschool, in a daycare, in a school setting. This has been a couple decades in the making, but I will tell you, COVID put it on hyperdrive.

intro/outro music: 26:04

Mm-hmm.

Cara Tyrrell: 26:04

The minute the world turned upside down and parents who were used to seeing their kids for maybe four hours a day were seeing them 24 hours a day, they had their eyes open to this possibility that, oh my gosh, one, I've lost a lot of time. Two, the way we're interacting is actually not feeling good. I did this because I wanted... parenting feel joyful, right? So where's the joy? How do we recapture that? And so there has been kind of this ratchet up of all these different labels that are put on, but really essentially it is parents who really just want to enjoy parenting. And instead of having massive expectations that can't be met, therefore everyone's constantly returning to conflict and power struggle, They've lowered those expectations to make them reasonable and achievable and to say, hey, we're in this together and we'll figure it out together. That said, I, in my framework, we hold kids accountable and that teaches them to be what the natural consequences are for their choices. But what I do before they even make the choice. So here's another one. Remember you said, Do as I say, not as I do. Something I remember is, if you fill in the blank, then I will fill in the blank. Yes? If then. In that framework, they're very punitive. Some people will say they're a warning, but they're not. It's more of a threat. So what I do is I add one simple word, Nishay. If you choose to jump off the swing one more time, then you're choosing that we get back in the car and go home because that's not a safe choice. One word changes everything. Now it's their choice. Not telling them not to make the decision, but I'm saying here's what's going to happen if you choose it. That natural consequence to your choice is something I will 100% follow through on because I love you that much. that I need to teach you. That's how it works.

Dr. Shay: 28:33

So powerful. So powerful. Wow. And also in your work then, how do you help parents maybe that first step in shifting their own conflict habits so that they can model healthier behaviors?

Cara Tyrrell: 28:48

Yeah, that's a big one, isn't it? I guess I would say in doing this work, you just have to Be willing to put a mirror up to yourself. I talk to you about pronouns. Be your own pronoun, please. Listen to what's coming out of your mouth, and if you hear it, fix it. I talk to you about yes-no questions. If you're somebody who hears them just popping out and popping, especially rhetorical ones. Your kiddo is sitting there building a very tall tower, and you walk up to them and you say, oh, are you building a tower? I'm like... Yes, clearly they are, right? Instead, give them some information. Wow, you're building the tallest tower I've ever seen you build, right? Do something different. Just make those little mini shifts to start conversations differently. And you will start to see how quickly your kids respond differently. And the more they do, the more you're going to want to keep going down this journey.

Dr. Shay: 29:58

It sounds like, A little more intentionality in how you're speaking with them, right?

Cara Tyrrell: 30:03

A lot more intentionality. Yeah. Everyone comes for strategies. Why? Because we want to solve, right? But before we get to those strategies, we work through entire modules on mindset shifts, perspective shifts, and then getting inside, like I teach people, like the little people in neuroscience, so that they know what's happening inside their child's brain and how the wiring is coming together and how it's uniquely different than theirs. And boy, does that help so much. It just levels the playing field.

Dr. Shay: 30:35

And so obviously this transformation is not easy. We have these things ingrained in us, right? Passed down from generation to generation. And So what role does grace play in the work that you do for ourselves and our children?

Cara Tyrrell: 30:51

Well, it's everything. Because if you're willing to put a mirror up and look at the parts of you that you, one, didn't realize were there, and two, don't particularly like, then you have to have a lot of grace for yourself. And I... counsel people to build their own affirmations for this purpose. So I am someone who is the beginning of all of our affirmation statements. And for that parent, it would be, I am someone who is learning to accept that the words have been coming out of my mouth. don't want them to anymore. I am somebody who is choosing to be present in the moment and let my child cry so that they can move emotions through their body. And so we build affirmation statements to match and personalize the most challenging triggers for these parents.

Dr. Shay: 31:50

Can you share one belief about conflict that you want every parent to unlearn and one you wish every child could grow up with?

Cara Tyrrell: 32:02

So one belief about conflict I wish every parent could unlearn is that it's always negative. It's not. Just like the word consequence has that real negative connotation, there are very positive consequences to our choices. And conflict builds character. It is an internal process of weighing decisions. If I do this, I wonder what will happen. If I do this, it's the learning of what feels right and wrong. It's tapping into your gut. The conflict is something that we learn from. We're not damaged by as long as we address it that way. And so you have to give your kids opportunities to practice this. So that's one thing I wish people could just say, enough of that. So about conflict, right? Yeah. I wish that every child could grow up understanding that conflict can be a discussion. My prayer is that every child can grow up knowing that conflict can be Yes, it is a part of life and it will happen, but that when we intentionally choose to interact with somebody in such a way that we are not setting ourselves up for conflict, it can be avoided more often than not. I talk about this when I'm doing teacher trainings, particularly around the idea that there's always a way to avoid saying no. We are no-sayers. And no is a negative word. It builds the wall. Kids go into protection mode. And so no big surprise, all of a sudden, we end up in a power struggle, a conflict. But if there's a way to avoid saying no, then we remain open to the conversation. We remain open to the collaboration. And we can often avoid that conflict.

intro/outro music: 34:22

Yeah.

Dr. Shay: 34:24

I like that. I have to build on that a little bit because I actually often say conflict isn't the issue. Avoiding conflict is. However, I do see the overlap in that I think we're both getting to a point where conditions serve the parties enough that you can prevent the conflict from happening in the first place, right?

Cara Tyrrell: 34:50

Yes. Just a quick example then to kind of help solidify it. If a child says, mom is dropping off at daycare and the kiddo says, as they often do, just they're great at statements, by the way, they go, after school, we're going to the park. And she's like, whoa, this is new information to me in my brain. She has choices. She can shut them down and say, No, we're not doing that today. Now, conflict will ensue in that moment because energy motion, meltdown. Now it's the poor teacher's situation to deal with moms walking out the door, right? Or she could say, I'm not sure that will fit into our schedule today. I like the idea of going to the park after school. That sounds fun. Let me look at the calendar and see which day this week we can do that. There isn't a no anywhere in those. It's a not. We turn the no into a not.

Dr. Shay: 35:57

Love that. I love that. Gosh, I can talk to you forever. This is so insightful. And, you know, not even being a parent, I'm learning so much. But before we wrap this up, can you just let everyone know where to find you or follow you in your work?

Cara Tyrrell: 36:14

Absolutely. So the best way to get to know me is actually to come over to my podcast. It's called Transforming the Toddler Years. And there are episodes there for parents. There are episodes there for educators. And then also through those channels, you're going to see some resources that I have for you, language, specific language that your child needs to hear you say every single day to build those bonds. And then I do have a course, the Transforming the Toddler Years course. They're where we work together to personalize your journey. And then when we get to strategies, they actually work because we now know who you are, who your child is, and what the value system of your household

Dr. Shay: 36:57

is. Amazing. And what's the website to access that course?

Cara Tyrrell: 37:02

It is caraterral.com backslash transform.

Dr. Shay: 37:07

We'll also have that in your bio. So today's conversation reminded us that how children learn to navigate tension, power, and emotion starts long before adulthood. Parenting isn't just about teaching right and wrong. It's about modeling how to listen, how to speak up with care, and how to stay connected even when things get hard. When we teach conflict skills early, we're not just raising children who know how to get along. We're raising future leaders, partners, and community builders who can meet the world with resilience. resilience, empathy, and courage. As always, thank you for joining me today in the Resolution Room. I'm grateful you're here doing this work alongside me. If this episode spoke to you, I'd love for you to please share. Until next time, keep building on the quiet because that's what will carry you forward.

intro/outro music: 38:06

Thank you.