Unapologetically Quiet: Redefining Power as an Introvert

In this enlightening conversation, Dr. Nashay Lowe and Brendalyn Carpenter Player explore the often misunderstood world of introversion. They discuss the journey of embracing one's introverted nature as a strength rather than a weakness, the societal pressures that shape self-perception, and the unique strengths that introverts bring to relationships and workplaces. Brendalyn shares her personal story of transformation and offers practical advice for introverts to take up space authentically while emphasizing the importance of self-compassion and setting boundaries. The discussion also highlights how extroverts can better support their introverted counterparts, fostering a more inclusive environment for all.

Key Takeaways

• Being an introvert can feel like swimming upstream.
• Cultural expectations shape our self-perception.
• Honoring your natural pace deepens relationships.
• Introverts are often seen as less valuable in visible roles.
• Self-awareness is crucial for introverts.
• Introverts excel in analytical and problem-solving tasks.
• Setting boundaries is essential for self-care.
• Self-compassion allows introverts to stand in their truth.
• Extroverts can help introverts feel included and valued.
• Introverts bring depth and reflection to conversations.

Chapters

• 0:00 Embracing Introversion: A Strength, Not a Weakness
• 2:01 Personal Journey: From Masking to Embracing Authenticity
• 4:51 Societal Expectations: The Impact on Self-Perception
• 9:05 Overlooked Strengths of Introverts
• 12:48 Taking Up Space: Strategies for Introverts
• 18:35 Setting Boundaries: The Importance of Self-Care
• 22:34 Self-Compassion: Embracing Your Nature
• 26:16 Misconceptions About Introverts
• 26:50 Supporting Introverts: Advice for Extroverts

Transcript

Dr. Shay: 0:01

Welcome back to The Resolution Room, where we turn tension into transformation through clarity, connection, and consistency. I'm your host, Dr. Nashay Lowe, and this is a space where we explore what's really underneath the moments that challenge us and how they can lead to something more honest, more human, and more whole. So let's get into it. In a world that often mistakes volume for value, being an introvert can feel like swimming upstream. But what if your quiet nature isn't a weakness to overcome, but a strength to embrace? So in this episode, I sit down with author, speaker, and coach, Brendalyn Carpenter-Player, to explore what it really means to be an unapologetic introvert. We're going to unpack the myths about introversion, how cultural expectations shape our self-perception, and how honoring your natural pace can actually deepen your relationships and leadership. Whether you're an introverted person yourself or love someone who is, this conversation invites all of us to rethink what it means to take up space. Ms. Brendalyn, if you could please introduce yourself.

Brendalyn Carpenter Player: 1:27

My name is Brendalyn Carpenter-Player, and I am the founder of a coaching and consulting firm, Unapologetic Introvert. I help professionals transform how their authentic leadership looks, sounds, and feels in the workplace. In short, I help the introspective deliver value in their natural, authentic selves.

Dr. Shay: 1:53

I love that. And what inspired you to own the title of Unapologetic Introverts?

Brendalyn Carpenter Player: 2:01

Well, my own personal experience. I mean, I realized through an unexpected health scare that that I had been masking my introversion for nearly 20 years of my entire career. What started in childhood as me just being a quiet kid developed into a really, really strong leaning toward introversion. And because of that, I realized that that impacted every decision that I made throughout my lifetime. And let me explain that a little bit further. I have cerebral palsy, which causes spasticity in the right side of my face, my hand, and a couple of other extremities on my right side. However, as a child, having something that doesn't look like your siblings, I have three older sisters and two younger brothers, made me feel like I was broken.

Dr. Shay: 3:06

Okay.

Brendalyn Carpenter Player: 3:06

And I already had a temperament, which is what introversion is, a temperament to be quiet. And so I use that temperament to hide or tuck away my feeling of being broken. I hid it inside introversion, which only made me lean into it even further. Didn't realize that that's what was happening until much later in life as a professional, when I started to excel in my career and grow as a leader, I realized that I wasn't being true to myself, fully introverted, but also fully present. And I didn't understand why it felt so uncomfortable Fast forward from childhood to now, not understanding why I was uncomfortable for so many years, I had a second stroke. And this one, thankfully, and was a couple of years ago, did not have long-term impacts and I was so thankful for that. But what it did was I had an epiphany in the hospital bed where I saw myself that I wasn't living fully and completely as myself. It was as if I was wearing a suit jacket or a suit or clothing that didn't fit me the entire time. From that moment, and I took a photo of myself in the hospital room when the doctor said that I'd had a stroke. One, I was grateful. that the second time I was not impacted long term. Two, I was grateful that I had another chance to do it right. And I left the hospital with the determination to change the way that I was approaching my life. And I was gonna do it more authentically. And that's where the name Unapologetic Introvert started.

Dr. Shay: 5:23

That is so beautiful. And thank you for just being so open and vulnerable, sharing your story like that. I really do appreciate it. And so thinking about, again, wearing that sort of outfit that didn't fit you, how have you seen societal expectations around extroversion affect the way introverts view themselves?

Brendalyn Carpenter Player: 5:44

One of the things that I did when I left the hospital room was to start my own search I found my tribe, which was introverts, very confident in their introversion, but also around people who spoke the same language. And that's when I realized what was different in my environment and the things that I felt inadequate about as an introvert in the professional space. I felt inadequate if I didn't speak up more. I felt inadequate if I didn't feel like sitting in the front row. I felt inadequate if I didn't take my seat at the table, even though I belong there. But that was part of the introversion and the negative connotation that introverts sometime absorb from being in environments where you are the most visible person is the most valued person. Then we adjust and we automatically will allow ourselves to take a step back or to stay in the background rather than push ourselves because it's uncomfortable to be seen and heard. That's really the negative connotation and also the impact of how societal expectations have on introverts. I'll give you another example that happened just recently. I was a part of a leadership program and members of my cohort, I'd been around for several weeks. One lady in particular, we got into a side conversation and I mentioned to her what I do for a living. I coach other introverts, especially professionals. And my brand is unapologetic introvert. Well, later that day, we were doing our debrief because it was the end of our leadership program. And she raised her hand and she said, well, not all of us are introverts. And she cut her eyes toward me quickly in a way. And then she said, so when we lead this particular forum, I would really encourage us to speak up about the great things that have been done learned in this environment and how we can use it in our community. My first thought was, why did she feel like she needed to qualify an introvert versus an extrovert? Because we all have something valuable to bring to the table. And how did she know whether or not I could be as impactful or any other introvert can be as impactful in that space as an extrovert? So what that told me is that's a natural tendency. It happens so often that we don't even, introverts, we just let it go by. And either we let it go by and we don't react, or we assume the role that the expectation tells us that we are. And that means sitting in the background. That's more of the uncomfortable feeling that I experienced my entire career.

Dr. Shay: 9:20

Absolutely. I can definitely relate. I don't know how this got established, but extroversion definitely is the status quo in most Western societies. What are some overlooked strengths then that introverts bring to relationships, workplaces, and communities?

Brendalyn Carpenter Player: 9:40

I love that. Overlooked is the analytical part of introversion. We're very detailed oriented. And let me back up just a little bit. We all flow along that spectrum of introversion to extroversion. And there is a space in between that most people recognize as being ambivert. And so there are some people who are extremely introverted who have created spaces a lifestyle that honors that. And then the majority of us flow in between. So that's what we're talking about when we give a little bit about the statistics of introverts. Most introverts are like this or that. So some of the general qualities of an introvert is we are very detail oriented. We are complex problem solvers. We are extremely loyal. We want the team to win. We want our organization to excel. We like to see other individuals excel more than we want to get the credit, the shine, those kinds of things. We are more intuitive. We are creatives and innovators. We are natural. detail-oriented and complex problem solvers. And let me just give you a couple of statistics that I love. Introverted leaders drove 28% higher productivity from proactive, engaged teams compared to extroverted leaders. That was in a Forbes magazine article. Another recent article, Women's Optometry Magazine, introverted employees tend to be more self-sufficient, reflective, connected, self-aware, and resilient. If we look at the introverted leaders that we are aware of in today's society, like the Bill Gates, the Warren Buffetts, we can see some of those commonalities among them. Their ability to really be deep thinkers and analytical and process a lot of information that then they can, they have the humility to not hoard it, but actually allow other people to shine, to grow, to excel in their careers and lives. They build humility. Whereas extroverts tend to want to have the visibility, get the credit, be standing out more. Those are major differences. Introverted leaders excel in adaptive, innovative environments. They are more likely to lead by example. they are less reactive and more proactive.

Dr. Shay: 13:10

I've never been so proud to be an introvert. You brought up the way we take up space, right? So I guess in your work, how do you encourage introverts to take up space in a way that still feels aligned with who they are and it's not in a performative way?

Brendalyn Carpenter Player: 13:33

First of all, and I would encourage them to go through the same process that I went through, and that is the self-awareness and the self-acceptance part. I think it's really important for introverts to understand the nature of their own personal introversion. because we are all different in how it shows up in our lives. Some introverts are, they are social and then they have a time limit and they need to take a break and re-energize. And others are just not social. It's just not comfortable for them and they found a way. to interact in their space and environment. So I would say, first of all, do the self-awareness process. Find out the nature of your own, how you feel as an introvert and what your personal needs are as an introvert. And then accept it. When I say accept it, I mean that it's not an either or. It's a both and. I'm an introvert and I'm an introvert. I am very much able to get out in front of people and be a great speaker and a great leader. So it's a both and. So that's the next part, the self-acceptance part. And then I have a process that I like to take people through, which is practice strategic positioning. For example, if you're in a meeting or in a networking session or in a social space, choose how you want to show up. in that space. Plan before you enter the space. That's the second thing. Plan to do one or two things so that you ensure that your time in that space is memorable and valuable for you and for the people that you interact with. The third thing would be to be authentic. Don't force anything. Don't try to be like anyone except yourself. Be honest about how you feel, who you are. And if you're uncomfortable, say you're uncomfortable because I promise you I've done it many, many times. I've learned just to be honest. And the person I'm talking with is usually very relieved to be able to let their guard down and say, this is a bit much. I can't wait till this is over. I'm going to go recharge. What do we hear most of the time? I'm just peopled out. That's a common phrase. It really does allow the other person to feel comfortable, to just be honest and have a really, and this is where the conversations deepen. Once you open up that honesty and you create a space for transparency, and that leads into the fourth thing, which is practice pivoting. And the reason I say that is when you're in a conversation and you're in a networking mode, in a business mode. You have some questions that are usually your small talk kind of questions. How are you doing? How was your weekend? That kind of thing. Use those questions as a pivot point. The first question is your entry. Hey, how was your weekend? And then pivot. So how did you like this particular thing that you did this weekend? Or why did you choose to go here or there? Or what did you think about? These kinds of questions, the how, why, what kind of questions, give you an opportunity to have a deeper conversation with that individual and develop a rapport with them that you might be able to use at a later date to build a relationship. You might find out some other detail about them that is a connection that you would have never learned before. But the most important thing, if you don't do any of those things, that individual appreciated being seen and heard, and they will remember that conversation, and so will you. And you will lead that engagement. If you've done that, made a commitment to do one or two, don't put yourself into too much pressure. You will lead their feeling life okay, I deserve to do my final thing, which is your re-energize or how you reward yourself for taking up that space.

Dr. Shay: 18:14

I love those four tips. They're like very practical and, you know, easy to apply. And I want to go back to one part you said. I like the phrase about being all peopled out. I've never personally heard it, but I like it. It definitely sums up the feeling. Yeah. So let's talk a little bit about how that aligns with boundaries. I feel like that's a tough one, right? Because you don't want to always be the person, or not even just canceling, but just declining offers. It's hard to continuously say yes to things that do drain you in ways that other people might not understand. I know myself, my God, I think it was a couple of weeks ago, I had a lunch during the week, maybe two dinners, and I was like, When did I become so popular? Because this is like killing me. And so I guess, you know, in a healthy way and in a kind way, how do you set those boundaries when you are, you know, especially if your circle isn't as introverted as you?

Brendalyn Carpenter Player: 19:15

Well, I think one is I want to go back to the honesty thing. We do need to practice self-care. First is being honest about where you are, your position, what your timeline looks like, that kind of thing. And we introverts tend to overextend ourselves. We tend to overperform. We tend to overcommit because we feel like we need to measure up. And that's absolutely not true. Because I've never... Absolutely. And feeling obligated to do something. And if I don't show up, if I don't do this, then what if that? Well, if you look at it from the other perspective, I don't know any extroverts that have ever felt like they needed to apologize for being who they are. But introverts more so than extroverts tend to feel like we have to apologize. And we don't. We just need to be fully present and fully ourselves and say, hey, I've got about three things scheduled this week. That's about my limit. Can we reschedule at another time? That's very easy. It's honest. And it will allow the other person to shift to the other space with you. The other thing is setting boundaries. There's something unique that I've learned. in my time in coaching is, especially for young women professionals, if they don't have a mentor who has shown them how to set boundaries, introverts are typically the individuals who get bullied in the workplace, who have a challenge of pushing back when someone is encroaching upon their boundaries because they're used to being quiet. And others, when they see quiet as a weakness or as an opportunity for them to express themselves or extend themselves beyond where they should, for a young professional who hasn't learned how to set boundaries, that's a challenge. And one of the things that I do in my practice is to give them the language and the support to say, no, no, no. When someone has challenged your ability to do your job that you have been qualified to do, that you have been hired to do, that's in your position description to do, then you are, not only is it you are permitted to, it is your responsibility. to speak up and to set standards. You would be amazed at how many people are helped by just being able to understand that that's happening because we do it. We're so used to just trying to get by, to have the awareness of when that's happening and then have tools to respond when those things happen. It's a game changer.

Dr. Shay: 22:34

Going back again to something you were talking about with the honesty with oneself, right? What role does self-compassion play in being unapologetic about your nature? I

Brendalyn Carpenter Player: 22:46

consider self-compassion as being part of the unapologetic part of introversion, that you give yourself space and permission to be completely who you are And not feel as though you have to constantly excuse what your natural tendencies are and what your needs are. Placing the needs of others above your own, which introverts have done before. And the only reason that I can say that is because I did it. As an employee and as a leader, and you probably based on your reaction, have done it as well. Feeling as though, well, you know, they are the popular or most visible or more vocal or more charismatic or those kinds of things. For those reasons, I'm going to let them have that space, have that time, get that opportunity. And we end up feeling guilty because we did not. speak up at a time where we should have. We, because we are deep thinkers and we're in the room, we're at the table, in the boardroom, in the staff room, and the conversation is being had, the discussion is occurring and we have input, but our deep thinking processing mind is continuing to process as the conversation has moved on to another subject. Do we give ourself the compassion to say it's okay? In this moment, we can circle back around. And before the end of this discussion, when they say, hey, does anyone else have something to say? Push your hand up and say, yes, I do. I want to return to this topic. And here's another thing about self-compassion. For us to not take on the guilt and also look at what we bring to the table. Make sure that we are... presenting our value in our space, that's also self-compassion because we've learned because we're quiet people, we don't lack attention, that it's okay for other people to shine. And that's, it's all right. We are loyal and we are very strong team players. But when we interact with It's not necessarily that we want to shine. We want to educate. So when we're circling back around in that staff meeting, we are providing value. We are saying, hey, I want to ensure that this organization is improving and have you considered this. I want to make sure that this gets included in the conversation just in case it has an impact. It's not for our own benefit. It's for the organization. It's for the individual I'm talking with. It's for their benefit as well. But that's part of the self-compassion. The other part is giving ourselves permission to stand out and to stand in our truth and not feeling like because we are introverted, that we do not have a place, a seat at the table, a place in the room, a place out front. Give ourselves the compassion to stand up, stand out, and be present in all of the spaces. It's okay.

Dr. Shay: 26:34

And if we were to... give some advice or guidance for people who aren't introverts? How do you think extroverts can help better support and respect the introverts in their lives?

Brendalyn Carpenter Player: 26:50

I love this question. I felt like for a while I was an extrovert magnet. I feel like I am an extrovert magnet. One of the things that happens to me regularly is when I build relationships, some of my closest friends are introverts. and we make an amazing team. We love spending time together because of the excitement. Number one, it seems like my extroverted friends love the idea of helping me experience life from their perspective. And then I enjoy the idea of stretching a little bit further outside of my comfort zone. So it just works well together. Professionally, It's an amazing partnership. Let me share with you some of the ways that that has worked for me. I've been in the professional arena networking for some years now, and I have great colleagues. Some of them are extroverted colleagues. What they normally do, and you probably experienced this as well, they're very connected individuals. And they usually say, hey, Brendalynn, I need you to come and meet this person or that person, and they will connect me with someone and then walk away. And then it's my responsibility to build that relationship. Has that happened for you all the time? See what I'm saying? That's that introvert-extrovert partnership that I think works so well together. Because one thing that that tells you is your extroverted friend, colleague, they trust you explicitly because their friendships, their relationships, they regard highly and they trust you to build on. They're exposing you to people, experiences, access to organizations that they trust you with. It's the same thing for larger type organizations and being in those organizations when you have teams that understand that some of the members are introverted and some are extroverts. There's usually one or two that will make sure that everyone gets involved. That everyone that, oh, we haven't heard from this person or that person. And so this is how extroverted individuals can be more impactful with those who are quiet and those who are introspective. Make sure that those individuals are contributing. Give them the opportunity to have something to say. And also don't miss out. the great opportunity to receive additional really well thought out contributions from their really thoughtful, introspective, introverted colleagues and coworkers.

Dr. Shay: 30:04

I love that. I love that. Wow. Well, you know, Brenda Lynn, I can sit here and talk to you all day. This has been such an amazing conversation. I knew the moment I met you that this was going to have to be an episode. Thank you so much for coming on. Can you let the audience know where to follow you and your work?

Brendalyn Carpenter Player: 30:22

Yes, yes, yes. Please follow me on my website, unapologeticintrovert.com. That's easy. I would love to... share with you all that I published a book. My book is titled Unapologetic Introvert. It's time to unlock your quiet power and thrive. It is basically my journey. It talks about my journey from childhood through my professional life, understanding and accepting my introversion as the superpower it truly is.

Dr. Shay: 30:59

Amazing. So as we close, I hope this conversation has helped reframe what it means to be seen, heard, and valued. Being an introvert isn't something to fix. It's a way of being that offers depth, reflection, and calm in a world that often rushes past nuance. Brendan reminded us that honoring your natural rhythm isn't selfish, it's self-respect. And when we stop apologizing for who we are, we actually create more honest and meaningful connections. As always, thank you for joining me today in the Resolution Room. I'm grateful you're here doing this work alongside me. If this episode spoke to you, I'd love for you to please share. And until next time, keep building in the quiet because that's what will carry you forward.