Boundaries Are Not Barriers: Redefining Limits as Acts of Care

Summary

In this conversation, Dr. Nashay Lowe explores the importance of setting boundaries in relationships, emphasizing that boundaries are not about rejection but about protection and sustainability. She discusses the guilt associated with saying no, the need for clear communication, and how boundaries can actually strengthen connections rather than weaken them. Through practical advice and insights, Dr. Lowe encourages listeners to view boundaries as a means of fostering healthier relationships and self-respect.

Key Takeaways

• Boundaries are essential for sustainability in relationships.
• Saying no is not a rejection but a recognition of limits.
• Guilt often arises from confusing self-respect with selfishness.
• Clear communication of needs strengthens relationships.
• Boundaries should be seen as invitations, not punishments.
• Avoiding boundaries leads to confusion and resentment.
• Practicing boundaries requires clarity and care in communication.
• Boundaries help maintain connection rather than create distance.
• Growth comes with discomfort, especially in setting boundaries.
• Boundaries are bridges that foster deeper connections.

References

• Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts. Random House.
• Orbuch, T. L. (2009). 5 simple steps to take your marriage from good to great. Delacorte Press.
• Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Boundaries: The Necessity of Saying No
• 1:29 The Guilt and Shame of Saying No
• 2:59 Boundaries as Invitations, Not Punishments
• 4:36 Communicating Boundaries with Clarity and Care
• 6:01 Boundaries as a Form of Connection

Transcript

Dr. Shay: 0:01

Welcome back to The Resolution Room, where we turn tension into transformation through clarity, connection, and consistency. I'm your host, Dr. Nashay Lowe, and this is a space where we explore what's really underneath the moments that challenge us and how they can lead to something more honest, more human, and more whole. So let's get into it. Today, we're unpacking something that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, but in the best, most necessary way, boundaries. Not ultimatums, not walls, not punishments, boundaries. In the next four segments, I want to talk about why so many of us struggle to set them, what stories we attach to them, and how we can begin seeing them not as rejection, but as protection. And not as selfishness, but as sustainability in relationships. So if you've ever felt guilty for saying no, if you've ever been told that you were too much or not enough for honoring your own limits, this episode's for you. Segment one. The guilt and shame of saying no. Let's start with the hard part. Why it's so difficult to even say what we need. Many of us were raised to prioritize harmony, helpfulness, and humility, especially women and especially people raised in collectivist or high responsibility households. You might have internalized the idea that being a good person means always being available. That kindness means flexibility. and that love means endurance. But research from Dr. Brene Brown and others studying boundaries shows something very different. In fact, Brown writes, quote, clear is kind, unclear is unkind, unquote. Avoiding boundaries doesn't prevent harm, it delays clarity, it creates confusion, and often it leads to a buildup of resentment, burnout, and silent withdrawal. Saying no or not right now isn't a rejection of someone else. It's a recognition of your own bandwidth and your desire to stay connected without collapsing. Boundaries aren't harsh, they're honest. But guilt shows that because we've confused self-respect with selfishness. So here's a helpful reframe. Guilt asks, am I doing something wrong? But often what we're actually feeling is discomfort from doing something new. And growth always comes with discomfort. Segment two, boundaries are invitations, not punishments. Here's the shift I want to offer. Boundaries are not about keeping people out. They're about showing people how to come closer in a way that works. When framed with care, boundaries say, I want to keep showing up for this and this is how I can do that well. I want to stay connected and here's what that requires for me. Or I want to be honest with you and with myself. Boundaries invite alignment. They say, here's what matters to me and here's how I can participate in a way that honors that. Research and interpersonal communication supports this, especially the work of Dr. Terry Orbuch, who studied long-term relationships for decades. She found that clear communication of needs, limits, and emotional rhythms strengthens relationships over time, not weakens them. Couples, coworkers, and collaborators who practice direct but respectful communication tend to sustain higher trust, reduce conflict, and more consistent connection. but that means learning how to speak up before we're at our limit. Not at the breaking point, but before the rupture. We don't wait until a pot boils over to turn down the heat. Boundaries are that moment of adjusting the temperature. Segment three, communicating boundaries with clarity and care. Here's where most of us get stuck. We want to express our limits, but we don't know how to do it without sounding abrupt or inconsiderate. It's not about accusing, blaming, or justifying. It's about narrating your own capacity and intentions. And when you lead with clarity and care, you're less likely to invite defensiveness. You're modeling what you're hoping to build, a space where honesty is welcome. But you have to keep in mind, is a two-way street. Segment four, boundaries as a form of connection. Let's end with the reality that's easy to forget. Boundaries are not about distance, they're about direction. They tell people, here's the path that works best for us to keep walking together. They're not punishments, they're not cold or cruel, They're how we show up with steadiness instead of resentment and with presence instead of pretense. Setting a boundary is saying, I care enough to be clear. And that clarity builds trust, not just with others, but with yourself. Dr. Nedra Tawwab, a therapist and boundaries expert, says it this way. Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel comfortable in your relationships. And that's really the point. You're not meant to disappear inside your connection. You're meant to show up fully inside of them. So here's what I want to leave you with. Think of one place in your life where you've been feeling pulled, overextended, or quietly resentful. And ask yourself, what am I needing here that I haven't expressed? And what kind of clarity might actually make this relationship stronger? Then, if it helps, try writing it out. Try speaking it out loud and practice what it would sound like to honor your own limits. Not to push others away, but to bring yourself closer to the kind of connection you actually want. Because boundaries aren't barriers, they're bridges. As always, thank you for joining me today in the Resolution Room. I'm grateful you're here doing this work alongside me. If this episode spoke to you, I'd love for you to please share. And until next time, keep building in the quiet because that's what will carry you forward.